The Pillars of the Earth

This could be the most boring post ever. It's quite long, doesn't have many pictures and the subject matter is not every-ones cup of tea but here goes...
The new HQ requires some reinforced concrete beams to replace the old wooden ones. Ordinarily you would buy some RSJ's but here things aren't quite the same - they make 'em.
First the lorry arrives with 10m lengths of 5 & 10mm diameter steel rods (bent in half). Then wooden trestles are thrown together made from the old roof timbers which are seasoned coconut which is very heavy, barely floats and is used for everything. You know that satisfying "shick-shick" sound a sharp saw makes? well I don't. All I hear is a dull rasping noise like 2 mating hedgehogs www.prickthis.com/sounds_of_the_forest/CD#6(Twilight) and smoke rising as they friction-burn their way through. Anyway, the steel rods are straightened i.e. they open them out and bash them straight with a sledgehammer, if you've ever straightened out a paper-clip you'll know what I mean. Cutting to length requires a group discussion a bit like a rugby scrum complete with ear-biting as they fight over whether to use the newer metric tape-rule or the old one (rods & chains). The bending jigs 

(that's a laugh) are attached to the trestles and one lad (presumably the apprentice) forms 200mm squares from the 5mm rod while the master-wroughtsman (or whatever) sets about the big stuff. By afternoon tea they've made this!
They need 6 and it's taken 6 men 8 hours to make one and that doesn't include the 6 cages for the footings or the (as yet undiscussed) horizontal beams.
The holes were dug last week and the gravel has arrived so it's time to mix some concrete. No, a lorry doesn't arrive with 20 cubic metres of premix and no, they don't use a cement mixer it's all done by hand with wheelbarrows and shovels and a chain of men with small buckets to transfer the heap to the holes. Each pile requires about 2 cubic metres of concrete which is about 400 buckets-worth. Now it's the holidays so all the bright steel has plenty of chance to rust properly before they continue next week.
I've just read "The Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett, £12.99 from Pan MacMillan, which is about a bloke who builds a cathedral in 12th century England - timescale 15-20 years so I'm a bit concerned about how long it will take. The book is filled with lots of sex and violence so maybe this will be just as entertaining.
Meanwhile, back at the batcave kitchen, the counter is also made of reinforced concrete. wooden shuttering is made, steel rods are cut to length and balanced on bits of roof tile. In a stroke of genius they remember to leave a hole for the inset sink (which they've been tripping over for the last 5 days) and grind some of the rods short. In a stroke of abject incompetence they don't see if it fits until the cement has gone off. "Pass the angle-grinder Charlie". The interior walls are cement rendered, a beautiful thing in the hands of a master craftsman or in this case, a thing. Tiles arrive and need cutting, they are 600mm square and about 15mm thick but I'm sure you just score and snap them like normal tiles, not physically cut them in two with the angle-grinder but hey-ho. The cut pieces are buttered with cement and stuck to both the wall and the counter-top with no gap for grout.
Now, I'm no genius but I'm seriously thinking that if I want to live here I'm going to have to build my own house (or maybe 3 years of foreman school and a whip is required).
I'd like to say "There, rant over" but I suspect I'll have enough material to be able to write a book about what will happen during the next few months. Ken Follett look out!

Saturday Night Fever

The building work caused the temporary loss of the ice bashing stick and the limes are already squeezed. Improvise with garlic/chilli bashing stick and hope that double bagging and the T-towel will prevent any flavour cross contamination.

Supping the delightful (only slightly spicey) gin concoction a few moment later we have an earthshattering discovery. Bill and Ben aren't Bill and Ben at all - but Jill and Ken !! We move our chairs a little further away from the wall in case they lose their stick while inflagrante.

OK, OK we've been trying to get out more. We had a run of luck during the last round of the Restaurant game. Adrian landed on Community Chest which allowed us to accompany yet another LEC to Pondok Sari for dinner (P: This is LEC soon to be headed your way) although we did have to shell out a few bok. And I drew that coveted Chance? card - You have won first prize in a PR contest, collect Babi Guleng at Diana's exclusive establishment including rather moreish vodka & lime. If you refer to the "Key" for eateries in the lid of the game you will note that normally to cover the rent if you land on Puri Ganesha you need to have already built 2 hotels on Jalan Pemuteran.

Adrian taught Antonio Banderas and his brother to dive. Not exactly but 2 Spanish born Mexicans living in California. Considering English is their second (third) language they did rather well - maybe because the PADI materials are in American English. In any case he had a bueno time with them.

And I taught a lovely Indian lady to snorkel. Bearing in mind she was several years & kilos beyond her prime and couldn't even swim it was big smilies all round. And resulted in on-going invitation any time we like to their house in Bollywood.

Pak (Captain) Saria is suffering from seriously high BP not helped by a bout of gout. Cherries are very expensive here and red cabbage doesn't exist at all. Doesn't seem right to recommend red wine under the circumstances so putting him on a diet of aubergines. Temporarily captainless, all the boys now line up to drive reef spirit (please please).

Apologies for my continued lack of illustrations but my husband won't let me near his other (our only remaining) camera.

See how they run

Renovations have started on both the main block and the satellite kitchen, yes I said kitchen the knock-on effect of which is (pause for fanfare) Hurrah & huzzah, we get Our own kitchen. No longer will we have to share with the Reef Seen staff and their funny habits.
Phase 1 is gutting the main building. Unfortunately this results in all the wildlife (Tikus) being homeless and looking for a new place to squat. Spencer/McInnes defences on Bikini Black Alert (shame Amanda's is turquoise). Phase 2 is to erect a summer house as a temporary equipment room and Phase 3 is the extension to the bar to create the kitchen. Now, no-one here has a clue what is needed so the Boss and the builder (using some form of telepathy) come up with a cunning plan on the back of a fag packet. As soon as Amanda gets wind of this she goes ballistic and starts ordering people about and making scale models. As she calms down I find her deep in thought no doubt designing our own kitchen and the occasional wry smile tells me she can think of nothing else other than when can we go shopping for a fridge, cooker, Oven !*#@?.
Phase 2 goes off without a hitch but Amanda, only recently healthy after her fever fell down its steps and is now sitting ankle akimbo with an ice bandage. But just try and stop her diving - compression's good for sprains isn't it? she asks.
Phase 3 Construction stops for 10 minutes as a girl in a bikini walks along the beach carrying 2 coconuts at about chest height. I can't quite work out what the workmen are saying but it's probably along the lines of 'look at the coconuts on that'.


Now it's 3 months old Erva's baby's feet can touch the floor. We were invited and duly donned our most respectful dress but were almost beaten when it came to riding the bike. Its step-through design means the rider can mount normally even in a tight skirt which he is not used to. The Pillion on the other hand risks a long prison sentence unless she adopts the Bali method - sidesaddle. Once there I'm disappointed to see the child being carried everywhere and not being allowed to enjoy his first day rolling around in the dirt eating worms (as is the norm in England - well, in our house anyway). We have tea and cake and say hi to the few people we know then leave - respect paid.

On my last Open Water course I had a lovely English couple (so I got to tell jokes and use long words) and snorkelling out from shore we could see lots of detritus in the water. Two tiny black things floated in front of my mask which on closer inspection turned out to be baby Sea horses. Wow! In all my years of diving I have never seen them - how do I tell my students that they will probably never see anything like it again?

The detritus was a precursor to another shedload of rubbish that was washed up which requires the whole team to clear up. The 2 diveguides, myself and 2 of the girls don wetsuits and snorkelling gear for the in-water attack while the other girls (who don't like the sun because it makes their skin dark!) and boys roll up trouserlegs and stay close to shore. The in-water girls make a nice pair, Masiti has removed her glasses to use a mask and therefore can't see anything smaller than say another person. She stays close to Dewi who acts as spotter/rest-station. The next day more rubbish is washed in so we go again. Most of the plastic is on the surface so we arm ourselves with whatever we can to net it: Other plastic bags, purpose made dive bags and Amanda uses a plastic crate. Today's influx has brought many unusual creatures in with it such as Sargassum frogfish (remember we had those last year too) and tiny flying fish together with a host of weird critters that live on the flotsam and jetsam that usually stays out in the open-ocean. No more sea-horses though.

Crock O'Shite

The front seat of Chris's car is probably the most comfy chair I've sat on in a year (the rear ones being in the most uncomfortable category) So I was actually enjoying the 40 minute ride to Seririt.

Once there we turned off the main road to Singaraja, under an archway up a lovely bougainvillea lined lane to a brand new facility - The Building of Pain. Well not really but that's how Rumah Sakit translates literally. It is in fact a very nice hospital. I am accompanied by our sweet masseuse Masiti for introductions and translation services although my sedikit bahasa is sufficient. I'd missed the bit where she told them I'm 30 (I love her).

Only a couple of other personal details were written down, Amanda, Female. OK hop on the gurney.

They take temperature and note it's high - 38.8. Mmm, yes, that why I'm here although it has at least come down a degree. BP 90/60 - strewth they think, that's low. Strewth I think, that's high. They believe me.

Then they very expertly take a phial of my best red stuff and say just rest for 1/2 hr. Wonderful. This is also the most comfortable I have been for a long time.

I look up. Its lovely pristine cream walls and ceilings are joined by a delicate plaster cornice. I could be in England... Except for in this beautiful brand new edifice to health and technology there are three black dots on the ceiling approximately 3.5 inches NE of where the pole is now holding up the curtain. And when they do draw the curtains round me so I can read my good book in peace, now the sweet doctors and nurses can't get round the back of the desk without significant imposition into my bay. Which of course all of them have to constantly. I love Bali.

Results ready. Not low enough to tell - come back and do it again tomorrow. OK.

So I do, on my own this time as I'm deemed capable of communication. Oh you should understand I have a driver of course.

Results - you're fine, bye.

My fever has now being going on for 6 days and I yo-yo between so, so cold, shaking like one of those little plastic toys you get in crackers that hop all over the table going clackety-clack until they fall on the floor, to a rather good imitation of a raclette stone - tzsssszzz!!

I think they've told me I haven't got dengue or typhus or malaria but no idea what it is just hope the drugs kick in soon (even if Adrian googled one lot and they're for beriberi eek).

The Legend of Bagger Vance

We have clouds too! What makes this photo marginally more interesting is you can just make out a woman mooning at our wind turbine (supply your own caption).

In order to apply for new visas we have to make the trip into Singaraja, a whole hour away! Singa means tiger and Raja means king - which is nice, although you could argue that Singaraja is to Bali as Basingstoke is to Hampshire. Slight problem that I'm teaching a course and wifey is stand-in guide as the real one is at another ceremony. So we both have to go for a dive first, freshen up and put long trousers/lipstick on all before 10am ready for the now waiting driver to charge for an hour into Singaraja, present ourselves for photo & fingerprints, charge back with a short stop at the supermarket in Seririt (cornflakes & yoghurt unobtainable locally), change back into skimpies and be on the 2 o'clock boat for the second dive. Phew!
Luckily this goes off without incident, we don't mow down any livestock/schoolkids/pensioners, we almost run out of fuel but the driver remembers to put diesel in instead of petrol, the 5 way traffic lights in Lovina are in our favour and it doesn't rain. Immigration are expecting us and we just swan in do the business and swan out again.

Imagine if you will a monster Christmas Turkey. It is now mid February and you're not sure if you can be bothered to pick it over one more time. Now replace the word 'Turkey' with the word 'Cuttlefish' and see what you can turn it into. Cuttlefish hash, Cuttlefish on toast, Cuttlefish thermidor washed down by a lightly fermented iced Cuttlefish broth - Oooh! the bubbles tickle my nose.

Speaking of fizzy drinks, I know you put lime in a Corona, and we often do things nearly the same but slightly different here, although I'm not sure Amanda was too impressed with the Bintang & lettuce floater I conjured up the other night. Note to self: cool the beer glasses upside-down in the fridge.

What is it with flip-flops? Everyone here wears them, I've tried but I kick them off with every step (usually somewhere stupid like up a tree or in a storm drain or at the feet of a wild animal with big teeth so I'm standing there on one leg wondering how best to climb swim run proceed).  I've seen other men wearing them so I know it's possible, Amanda tells me it's easy - a monkey could do it - maybe I descended from the branch of apes without prehensile feet.

A tree fell down, it's mango season, the internet is back, everything in the garden is lovely.

The title is for no other reason than I've just seen a bag full of ants.

Cumi-cumi

Still no pics since someone (no names, no pack drill - begins with 'a', ends in 'a' and rhymes with 'a panda') casually dropped the camera in the rinsing trough without the protection of its underwater housing.

Cumi-cumi (c is pronounced ch) is Cuttlefish. Little old lady arrives with polystyrene box of squid. milked of ink there are 4 squirming about in a dark grey soup pulsating and changing colour as squid do. Amanda selects a reasonably small one and hands it to one of our boatmen, Botak, to remove the bony core - if only we had a budgerigar. Back in the kitchen Amanda stares at it for a few minutes while deciding what to do. Poking it to test if it's still alive, the tentacles sucker themselves to her hand which she immediately withdraws and jumps back in terror. Fair play to her as she steels her nerve and goes in again - this time with more determination. "OK, I think I'll start by removing the skin".  This turns out to be a relatively simple operation except for the fact that the eyes keep looking at her. We now have a nice fillet and some left over squidgy bits (and of course the eyes, which are probably a delicacy - your mum would say they're the best bit).  Amanda, now feeling very pleased with herself, makes 2 piles of white splodge, one for the freezer and one for this evening's gourmet treat. "Fried or boiled?" she asks, the blank expression on my face says it all.

The lumberjack has arrived to deal with 2 trees we have to remove to make way for the extended patio.  Earlier, the boys trimmed the foliage, removed the minor branches and felled the trees so the lumberjack just has to chop them up into useful sized pieces. Please note the extensive use of safety equipment: barefoot, no eye or ear protection, not even a high-vis jacket or safety cones to cordon off the danger area. This photo was taken using a 600mm telephoto lens from miles away and not (as it looks) from a few feet.  Another tree earmarked for removal requires a different lumberjack, this one trained in aerial surgery - you can tell because he is wearing boots.  Most of the upper branches are removed using the one-handed chainsaw method, the incoming mains cable you can see is used to break their fall.  Bits of string are extensively used to tease the rest of the big lumps down onto the boys below.

I have another photo of an Indonesian daredevil/nutter. This one is fiddling with our wireless internet connection (so it'll be three days before I can post this). Note the un-tethered (or guy-less or stay-free or some other tehnical term - help Al) tower which is designed to hold, oh let's say, 10 kilos of antenna and repeater not the 65 kilo muppet who is currently gaily swinging around up there poking a screwdriver in his ear wondering why it isn't working. Is that a safety line I see? no, that's a bit of string for him to lower his screwdriver down with.

These and any subsequent photos courtesy of our land-based camera until such time as we a: cut back on the 'restaurant game' to earn lots more Bok and b: get enough time off to find a decent camera shop or c: a kind-hearted philanthropist sends us a Canon S95 with u/w housing.

Peter D: This is Indonesia, normal algebraic logic does not apply.
Peter H: I'm afraid Hannah can't come to playgroup until she learns to stop biting.

The Restaurant Game

copyright © 2010 RabidGeckoGames (A subsidiary of the broken toilet company).

Overview: You are living in Bali and earn enough money to eat out once or twice a week. The rest of the time your own domestic goddess rustles you up a magnificent evening feast of free-range chicken, rice from the snow fed mountain plains and fresh veggies all on 2 gas rings. Every now and again the goddess needs a break so you have to take her out for a meal. However, the path to harmony is rocky and beleaguered with many pitfalls...

Object: To satisfy your goddess given your meagre earnings.

Players: 1.

Bank: You have a maximum of 250 Bok per week to spend on food. Goddess needs 10 Bok per day on groceries so at the end of 4 days you have 210 Bok in the bank and after 7 days you are down to 180. On the 8th day you get another 250 Bok so the frequency at which you can satisfy DG is variable depending on how much you are willing to spend. In simple terms, Feout = 250-(ein*10/7)

Dunlop ratings: Cost of dinner for 2 people

• 1 tyre =50 Bok
  
• 2 tyre=100 Bok
  
• 3 tyre=200 Bok
  
• 4 tyre=400 Bok
  
• 5 tyre=1000 Bok
  

So you can either eat out every day for 5 days at a 1 tyre restaurant and fast for 2 days or eat in for 5 days to accumulate enough Bok to eat at a 3 tyre place.

Restaurant politics:

1. Some do not pay all their taxes and could be shut down at any minute.
   
2. Some are run by tyrants who exploit local people - we don't want to support that.
3. Some covet your DG and will poison you to keep her (anyone seen my anti paranoia tablets?).
   
4. Some poach our customers so we boycott them.
   
5. Some have an over inflated tyre rating. (tee hee).
   
6. Some give us discount - we like these!

Bonuses: A wealthy landowner gives you 200 Bok.

Forfeits: A wealthy landowner expects you to supply wine at 200 Bok a bottle.

Gameplay: Each blank square on the board represents a night in and, if you land on one, costs you 10 Bok. The other squares are restaurants and clearly display their tyre rating. If you land on a restaurant that you can't afford to eat in, then all the other players must look down their noses at you until you cry. Some squares have a special meaning and may be bonuses or forfeits. Throwing a double 6 will get you a free spring roll. Here is 250 Bok, let's get started...

Still here (honest)

British invasion - we hope the first of many: After hectic liveaboard out to Komodo,  Rob, Wilma and the Randall boys unwind in Pemuteran. There had been a few strings attached to our allowing them to come which they more than fulfilled. Not just with the obligatory Rum & tobacco for us but extremely cleverly found the right booze & Cherry Ripes for the boss - not an easy feat from England as although made by Cadbury's are only done under licence in Australia. And they'd carefully lugged it all round Indonesia before trundling up here! Thanks a million to you guys.

AJS birthday: nothing special just a crazily busy day in high season. And the the girls rather embarrassedly organised one of those very chocolatey cakes the day after as in spite of many subtle hints and it being on the calendar they'd not realised it was a special day. Who cares - any day is good for cake :)

High Season & 1M guests: Well it's felt like it anyway. Predominantly the French at this time of year, including families of small people, which we try to put off or at least send them somewhere else to stay while encouraging Mum or Dad to come diving on their own. It seems that our marketing strategy has a flaw somewhere that means people forget we are a dive resort with a few rooms and not a hotel.

Dinner @ dianas: Nico invites us to the prestigious Puri Ganesha for dinner with just one caveat "you do like lobster don't you?". We arrive first and order a house Martini to be getting on with...  Several hours, carefully prepared courses and glasses of WINE later we totter back down to our (humbler) end of the beach and reality.

Libur: Adrian and I have been trying our best to deal with all the people who turn up and expect to stay and/or dive without pre-booking. Our frustration reaches breaking point and our short answers to yet another stupid question to which the answer should be bleedin' obvious come across as rudeness. Chris decides we need a day or 2 off otherwise entente cordiale will be lost forever. Besides we've worked out we haven't had a break since returning from UK in March. Luckily Mark's place is empty (except for Mark) and we stay for a couple of nights in his Java house. A wooden shack in the grounds of his villa at the foot of the mountains which is basically a luxury tree-house (with a sunken bathroom). I think that if you live by the sea the gentle lapping of the waves drowns out all the weird noises but inland every little scratchy noise sounds like some fierce animal trying to feed it's cubs on our tasty flesh - oh the human mind is a funny thing. In reality the little scratchy sounds are insects trying to feed themselves on our tasty flesh... (Who didn't latch the door properly?)

Luna has landed: Chris has found a young friend for Cookie (our only remaining dog since the sad demise of Snack) who could be her own - peas in a pod. Chris assures us she'll be no trouble if we can babysit her for the first few nights in the bathroom until she gets used to her new home - and anyway she doesn't bark. Mmmm..?? Chris must be more of a parent than we think as in fact Luna barks as good as any Bali dog it's just Chris is immune to it. It's like Scooby and Scrappy are real.

Scaredy-pants

Menjangan Island. A fantasy island inhabited only by a small herd of deer. It has white sandy beaches, pristine coral gardens and beautiful clear blue water.  On a recent outing I assemble the guests and we leave the sheltered bay and it's full steam ahead for a lovely day out.  Five minutes in and the skies turn black and the rain starts - "just  a shower" I say as the captain peers down at me with a face like the thundery skies and points to the 3 metre white horses ahead.  Do we push on in the face of adversity? do we heck.   "Ready about?, Aye aye Cap'n".  The silver lining is that I've forgotten to wear any swimming trunks which I'm sure, although my intrepid guests can handle most situations, wouldn't go down too well.

One of the things I thought I'd miss from England was the early morning birdsong, not so.  Ulric has posted us a couple of bird ID books so all the LBJs now have names.  We have Prineas, Munias, Fan-tails, Kingfishers and loads more.  One of the boys was pointing to a tree in the garden last week and making the sign for a Manta ray, I thought he was mad but looked and there was an eagle (too dumbstruck to make positive ID).

Speaking of wildlife, we have rats mice, OK we have rats - not nasty black ones but nice brown ones. Oh, who am I kidding, we have rats! The little sods have nothing better to do than chew through the internet cable and wee on anything electrical.  Amanda has discovered they like papaya sandwiches and shall henceforth be known as the Rat-catcher of Pemuteran.

Finally, I couldn't help but show you this picture of a first time diver. He seems pretty comfortable underwater wouldn't you say? [Dear PADI this was dive 2 of a 2 dive intro. I never take the camera on dive 1 so please don't take my license away]

Urban Myth No. 287

Bananas prevent cramp.  Scientific explanation to back myth: Cramps are (probably) caused by loss of salts due to dehydration and that these salts (potassium, magnesium, sodium) are present in bananas therefore eating bananas will replenish the lost salts.

In England I used to eat one banana per month and get cramp, here I eat one banana every day and still get cramp. A wise man from Tadley once told me that chips with lashings of tomato ketchup was the best cure for muscle cramps so I'm going to try that.

Our annual board meeting took place at the 5 star Mimpi hotel. Blew whole year's budget on a bottle of wine, got sloshed, didn't decide on anything.

Amanda is now becoming used to the geckos, ants, bats, mice etc. but the praying mantis that landed on her one evening was a step too far (my turn to laugh at the squealing "getitoffmeidontlikeit"). However, the "I think I'll just trip over this Spitting Cobra" episode was a bit more sobering.  Imagine if you will the staff (Indra, 5'2" 20 kilos pictured here with a turtle)  running towards me shouting "Mr Adrian, Mr Adrian, come quick!" and offering me a mop with which to poke about in the bushes and antagonise the beast even more while casually edging away with the rest of the staff to the next village.

On a positive note we have discovered a source of digestive biscuits and zippo fluid (sadly no flints).

Notice anything?

We have been hobnobbing with the (mainly Dutch) ex-pat community here and going round to all their villas for drinkies. Most recently, Mark let slip that he may have some Gordons in a cupboard somewhere and that Amanda and I were welcome to it (what a thoroughly nice chap). That night we arrive on his doorstep glass in hand and "can you spare a farthing guv" expressions. We sit on his verandah drinking and scoffing real cheese and realise that his house is the least western and actually quite modest. If we just knock that pillar out, enlarge the kitchen, add a bathroom and locate it somewhere else it'd be perfect... I think we are a bit tipsy.

In the spirit of home-making we visit the new village shop and I now have a pants drawer. Oh and some frankfurters - how apt.

Loads more but I'm trying to keep the posts short and sweet (and with any luck, more frequent). Pictures! must include pictures, wanna see my pants drawer?

Back to work

As the jet lag eases we are like a pair of kids on Christmas morning, re-united with our haul of newly collected belongings. I find Adrian sitting several feet away from the desk so he can see the panoramic view on his new screen.

I consult the dictionary (and Dewi) before dragging him "outside" in search of ragi and tepung terigu. The corner shop has run out so we dust off Mike to get to the Suki shop. Success. But now there is a rumble in the air and the clouds are welling up. This means the chances of a straight 6 hours of electricity are slim. I'll have to wait :(

So plant the second lot of courgettes seeds and back to unpacking. Chris comes in halfway through and starts eyeing the two brimming toolboxes and my saucepans.

We have an easy first couple of days back as Chris has sent all our divers to Menjangan Island. Just need to catch up with what's been happening and what's planned.

At last the weather looks kind enough to get baking. Quick check in the spec that it's not going to blow the circuit - thank goodness only 550 watts, we're safe. Mmmmm, the smell... The most perfect crusty french loaf ready in time for the barbecue feast at Chris's tonight. We have his old mate Michael visiting from LA, he hasn't lived here for fifteen years but remembers only too well about the cravings. He has brought chocolate, pickles and 6 varieties of cheddar cheese plus Chris magics up lamb chops and sausages.

---

Round 2 of the courgettes sprout to 4 inches and die - suspect sabotage as Nengah shows me picture of his thriving crop of "like labu" from the 5 seeds he snaffled from me during round one. 

Chris disappears for a couple of days to Denpasar and comes back with the perfect safe for us - plainly we still have a lot to learn about where to shop. Not sure if it was a good idea for us to set the code after downing several Storm Bronze ales.

The souvenirs arrive (isn't internet shopping great) and all we have to do now is find lighter fuel for the 20 Union-Jack clad zippos before we hand them out.

My laptop is restored to health with a new battery - hooray. But think it's been sitting under the leak in the roof so the < >, < >, < >, and < > keys no longer work - boo. (sympathy with my sister here) Adrian kindly gives me the ASCII codes instead which is great except I still need the < > key to make them work.

Wakey-Wakey!

Amanda's telephone serves as a perfectly good alarm clock as long as it is adjusted for local time. It was - local being Bali- unfortunately we are still in the UK. We are awakened by "SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE GONE??!!"

It's 7am and we were meant to have been at Neils for 6am. You've seen Four Weddings & A Funeral. Remember the opening scene... I don't think Ulric was too impressed at the language of his little girl.

Traffic is kind as we get to LHR terminal 3 still in perfectly good time for check-in. Only Malaysian Airlines have recently moved to T4... B*****ks (you may remember a sketch on the Fast Show where the family, laden with luggage, chase the dad who's shouting at them to keep up - that's us). T4 is remarkably quiet and there are no queues for check-in but the nice Italian chap on the desk assures us we are in the right place and waves our luggage onto the conveyor without batting an eyelid, even says my monitor will be ok as hand luggage. The breadmaker has to go through a "special" channel and we wonder if we'll ever see it again. Say bye to Neil (who's been brilliant) and head for passport control.

Once through there's just enough time for a decent cup of coffee before boarding. The Air Malaysia cabin crew do a lovely job of re-arranging the whole plane so Amanda and I can have the row to ourselves. For those less-seasoned travellers there is a video screen on the back of each seat and a handset that allows you to select one of 250 films, television shows & radio channels - enough entertainment you might think but it usually takes me 6 hours to choose, get 10 minutes into a film & decide I don't like it have a nap and start a really good film which ends about 10 minutes after we land.

Kuala Lumpur Airport. Just enough time for a coffee before I drag myself (and my monitor) back to the departure lounge. KL to Bali uneventful, lots of children but all well behaved. Land, sail through Immigration (thanks to the helpful mrs Ketut who looks after all our travel documents), collect our luggage and head for the green channel...

Customs want to see the breadmaker which we duly unwrap. Chap peers in the box, scratches chin and waits 30s before saying "ok". His eyes wander to my monitor and he decides we must pay import duty on it. Amanda "puppy-dog" Spencer feigns tears and comes up with such an unbelievable story that the guy also breaks down and helps us carry all the luggage out of the airport... I'm trying so hard to keep a straight face that I let out a small fart. Outside into the sun and find the smiling face of Mr Ketut who says we have enough time to go shopping in town before heading back.

We need a safe; the one at Makro is 4 times the size we need & 4 times the price so we try Carrefour. They have 10 models to choose from, some the right size and price but all look like they've been broken into not one in stock. Downhearted we head to the Dive shop. Here, at least, there is something we can buy - a new dive computer to replace Amanda's dead one. A sense of well-being comes over us as she hands over the readies.

Arrive at Reef Seen after short stop in Seririt to order some horse feed. Spend the first day re-arranging our room to cope with all the new goodies we brought back. The refurbishment of our cabin cruiser is complete and looks great, it's shakedown run throws up a small problem with the thrap flange bracket but is easily fixed by the insertion of a three eighths gripley.

Dingin

We meet a lot of people from all nationalities but what with reviving my French and learning Bahasa Indonesian it hasn't left much space in my aging brain to get a handle on Dutch.  Especially guessing what gender people are likely to be from their names.  Lesson learned - have no expectation and try not to look too surprised when you meet them!  

Teaching kept Adrian busy while I got more & more frustrated trying to make sure I'd got all the flights sorted & some internet shopping done to be waiting for us in England.  I am sure the money laundering laws are very good but you have no idea of the pain when EVERY transaction is blocked while you have to prove who you are (again) because they noticed the transaction came from Indonesia.  It leads to phone calls at 1 am while you explain a) do you know what time it is? b) yes I am in Indonesia and c) no I still can't provide  you with a current copy of a utility bill.

But that is all in that past now.  We have "popped back home" to collect a few things.  Bit of a whirlwind tour but it's amazing what you can achieve given just 7 days.

Round one of Supermarket Sweep at Daddy's (where all our possessions are stashed) revealed we'd only grabbed 50% of our luggage allowance.  Deep joy so rounds two and three quickly follow.  Surely we'll get away with 3kg over...

On the culinary front we've managed to quench nearly all the cravings: freshly baked crusty bread (salivating) three kinds of vintage chedder, (oops, I dribbled) and home made chutney (gasp!!),  several innings of lamb shanks, pigeon, game pie, black pudding, oh and not forgetting courgettes.

It was brilliant to see our families and friends and for those of you we didn't catch up with, you have to come on over because I think it will be a very long time before we do this again, much as we love you all.  Besides, it's COLD.

So we have our final pint in the local pub and wend our way bed-ward, safe in the knowledge that the cases are packed, locked and the alarm clock is set for the early start to the airport...

Ready for the off

Yes, I know it's been a while but a) the dog ate my homework. b) Grandma hurt in freak snowboarding accident. c) Just plain lazy.

In fact we've been pretty busy preparing for our trip back to England and while the packing took all of 5 minutes (empty case within a case), the handover of duties seemed to take forever. I was oblivious to this since I had secured (by a huge mistake on Amanda's part) a cushy Open Water course involving a couple of fit Dutch girls. So there we are, gambolling among the poppy fields... Dammit! - must get a grip.

The boss and all the boys are away refurbishing our flagship cruiser so it's down to us to handle the guests ...poppy fields... sorry, leaving little time to sort out: tickets, exit visas, things to take, things to bring back, re-registering credit cards and so on.

I can't think why but I really fancy a Cadbury's Flake...

The Good Life

Chris has returned from Australia. He bought me a present. Not booze or fags or cheese but a packet of seeds. So now to find a sunny but sheltered spot of fertile soil to plant the courgettes....

Flight RSA003

I have alluded to our bathroom before. It is a lovely space. You can take a shower and see the bee-eaters circling overhead or the flaming sunset sky or the stars. The wall are embossed with a whale, dolphin and manta - and the fresh water is not exactly hot and not exactly cold.

But it does seem to have more than its fair share of wildlife. You are more than often being watched as you sit on the loo. Bill's brother ( you remember Bill ) has his vantage point in the middle of the whale opposite leaping down to pick off the toiling ants ahead of the cicaks. The ants come in about 4 different sizes and only the really minuscule ones bite. I am often humming that old blue eyes number "High Hopes" as I watch in awe and amazement as these little creatures tidy up all their dead cousins and other detritus that they find.

Some of our visitors only stay for a night or two and we are perfectly happy for them to do so. This was a rather fine guest a few days ago.

Others are encouraged to leave. We now charter BTH > GDN flights. RSA001 was a snail, nothing wrong with him just in the wrong place. RSA002 was something I'd rather not say; looked very similar the long antennaed, brown beetley grasshopper things but with a rather strong resemblance to a cockroach. We found him in the bedroom, he was at least dead and the ants were tidying him up but not fast enough for my liking.

The night's passenger on RSA003 was a very long worm who must have been washed in during the prolonged afternoon's rain and was just inching his way too close for comfort. It's not that I'm particularly squeamish - good god I can't afford to be or I wouldn't stand 5 minutes here - but worms, eurghh!!

Then we found a late arrival - must have been in the bar or shopping or having his last smoke or wherever those "final call" bods disappear to at take off time - a rather fine frog. Not entirely sure how these find their way in to BTH as the wall is a good 6 feet high. So he was fast tracked by hand to HDG (Adrian thinks he's going to get warts now but I think you only get them from toads). However he jetted back in after a spell in the wars so has now been deported straight to GDN over BKW, with extreme prejudice.

While the Cat's Away...

Chris has left for Australia. His parting words were "Can I bring you anything back? make sure the staff worm the puppies and whatever you do don't let Pak Saria cut down the tree with the yellow flowers"

Christmas and New year were manic for us but as January draws to a close we have time to breathe again. We take the opportunity of it being quiet to deliver some staff training in the shape of a Rescue workshop for the boys. Amanda & I attempt to set up scenarios where we play victims and see how the boys handle the ensuing rescue to bring us to safety. The idea being we demo first and then they put it into practice. It did involve a fair amount of miscommunication but mostly went well. Mouth to mouth resuscitation was a bit alien 1 1000, 2 1000, 3 1000 prepare, blow lost something in translation - satu satu ribu dua seribu tiga seribu menyiapkan pukulan just doesn't have the same flow to it...

The wind turbine has been relocated a bit further out to sea as the shoreline trees were disturbing the airflow and the cable run is a bit long so hoping to get a better voltage out at the other end. It does mean I have to wade chest deep in water to raise the switchgear on the mast - a combination of high waves and high tides will probably wipe it out.

Been trying to improve the website for the bungalows - since the original author said they couldn't or wouldn't translate the dutch emails we get to Ingris. This threw up lots of problems & I seem to have lost a few days - Amanda thought her days as a computer widow were all but over, think again (Note from Amanda: he thinks it was only a few days, what he doesn't know is it's this time next year!)

Since the staff don't want to give them their medicine it I feel it my duty to worm the puppies. It's quite simple just take a syringe with the pre-determined dose and squirt it in each of their sweet little gobs, there are only 5 (4 nearly identical black & white plus the brown one) easy to keep track of which one spat it out and which one licked it out of another one's mouth...Only 4 weeks into parenthood and Mum's already all but abandoned them - much more exciting things to chase after on the beach - and her nipples are sore. Wonder if I should milk her to prevent mastitis or whatever the canine equivalent is. Couldn't you just eat them!

Still mostly sunny in the mornings, rain plus spectacular thunder & lightning in the afternoons and clears overnight. Just as well as we discovered the roof leaks in our room. Balinese fix for that: move the bed - thanks Wayan :)

The torrents are a bit of a pain as the land pours into the sea making shore dives impossible.

But the reefs further out in the bay are still glorious. In fact we've been making use of the last few quiet days to do a bit of exploration, going out with the boys to review sites they've not dived for a while to see how they've improved. Tankad Penyu is recovering well but sadly Tankad Gosong remains rather barren. It is still home to a few stars, like the mantis shrimp and selection of nudibranch including this one which we can't find in any of the books - not even Debelius!

We have a plethora of bugs and things, some beautiful like the butterflies but most pretty irksome. Flies (now it's the corn season), midges, ninja mosquitos that just creep up on you (think blue thunder in silent mode), at least 4 kinds of ant (all living in the bathroom) but the flying termites have gone, at least for now. The geckos & frogs still sing at night. Speaking of the bathroom, while it is lovely to have it partially al fresco the novelty of having to sweep the leaves before we can use the shower is wearing off

In the turtle hatchery we are down to handful of babies and no eggs :(

Amandas cooking challenges continue (two-pot hob cooking at it's best) with some new variations on chicken rice 'n' things which are keeping us together. And we can still be found on Saturday nights supping "mixed juice" under the light of the Bali moon listening to the sound of the sea (and Eric Clapton), believing that actually we are quite proficient at playing the harmonica. Suspect this is not the case but the guests haven't said anything.

Chris will be back in a couple days so everyone is checking everything is in order, done what is meant to be done and those things to do while no-one is looking. The TV was restored in working order to it's home in the bar, the curtains in Chris's office are clean and we woke up this morning the the sound of axe on wood...

Seasons Greetings

Merry Christmas 

and a Happy New Year

Put another log on the fire for me...