Saturday 7 December 2013

Bottoms Up!

A spot of medication induced Wiki/Googling for a good bat curry recipe has set us off on a quest for the knowledge of dietary differences in our new world.

We can get really tasty pork. The beef is terrible. Is that why Bali* is mostly Hindu? And why is it OK to eat pork and not beef? Unless you are Masiti the Moslem Masseuse where it's the other way round.
It all boils down to:-
1) hermits - A true (or is that tree?) hermit will go very hungry as he can only eat with his hands, where you and I know you really need to include your mouth somewhere in the eating equation.

And 2) ungulates especially related to how many toes it has. The best is one with and even number of foot-based appendages a.k.a  even-toed.  But is this per foot or altogether

"Even" means " the night before".
Today is Saturday
On this night we will become slightly resembling a rare and endangered (in the UK) freshwater amphibian.
Newts don't live in Bali. In keeping with the normal way of things round here, substitute the next closest available thing.  Of which there are many** as it rained.
Therefore Sunday must be Toad



*  (how come we live in a land that sounds like a nutritious grain they don't grow here? - Muesli in UK 80p, Bali £10 a bag!!)

**There are now many minus one less thanks to Ular...



Monday 2 December 2013

Zen, and the art...

I know I've already done flat tyre blog and Amanda has done dentist blog but that was ages ago and I've had a new experience to share.

I have toothache. The only real (well, I'll come back to that later) dentist is over an hour away in big town. Taxi costs 350,000 things (£20), no-one else is going that way so I can't cadge a lift. But wait! I have a motorcycle, I'll risk life and limb and run the gauntlet of the police roadside checks. Problem solved.

Dentist has a slot at 08:00 which means leaving at 06:00. The more mathematically minded will have worked out that gives me an hour spare to:
  1. blag my way past 3 policemen using my now extensive Indonesian vocabulary (my new words after chicken, rice & vegetables are left and right - easy since it doesn't really matter which one you use).
  2. handle unforeseen* circumstances: flood, avalanche, bike failure(hint,hint), road blocked due to ceremonial procession etc.
  3. find the dentist.
* Come to think of it they're not unforeseen - I know they will all happen, perhaps I'd better leave at 05:00.

I leave at 06:20. Buggery buggery shit on a stick! The bike roars into life (bonus) and wakes up all our guests (revoke bonus) and I hit the road.

Everything goes smoothly for the first 15 minutes, I dodge an avalanche and manage to avoid some psychotic wildlife then approach a lot of people parked at the side of the road. I gingerly proceed straight into the first road block. If I make myself look really small maybe they won't notice me - damn. Still the cop has a nice face and a few 'chicken rights' and 'rice lefts' and I'm back on the road. 5 minutes later I catch up to the first procession and as I sit there I wonder if you can get after-market motorcycle accessories like bull bars.

Little town. I'm about half way but more police. I make myself small again then remember that it didn't work so I make myself big - this doesn't work either. "Excuse me sir, can you explain why you are bobbing up and down?" "Vegetable right officer" appears to be the incorrect response so I produce a valid driving license, motorcycle license, pretty coloured piece of paper with some numbers on it which he graciously accepts and I'm free to go.

Big town. (did you like the way I went straight from little town to big town without incident?) Consult map. You are here and you need to be there - simple, I just go the wrong way down a one-way street (same as everyone else) and VoilĂ  you bump into another ceremony. This one infinitely less passable then the first and without the 'knowledge' of the rat-runs I anxiously follow along at a walking pace watching the minute hand move past the 12.

Reach dentist 08:15. Yes, it's a real dentist it has a frowning receptionist pointedly looking at the clock, a picture of Michael Jackson and everything.  Dr H sorts me out. X-ray, poke, prod, scream etc. "Infection, take antibiotics, come back 3 days".  I hope my face conveys: a) my disappointment that I'll be in pain until the drugs kick in and b) my realization that I have to go through the whole Indiana Jones saga again.

08:17 Breakfast time - nothing hot, nothing cold, nothing hard. I'd like a pot-noodle made with luke-warm water and all the lumps taken out please (yeah you can get that here). I only have an £8 note so the nice lady says I can pay (12p) next time.

It's still early so I decide to ride around town for a bit just to get my bearings and maybe find some rat-runs for next week. Now where's my dash-mounted clipboard...

Lunch time, better head back. Horse? check. Whip? check. Leather hat? check. Bag of treasure choc-chip muffins? check. Dum de dum dum, doo de doo... Between big town and little town somewhere near the Jetsons styled weigh-station, horse dies. You know that 'tink tink' sound of something cooling down? Well my super-dooper air cooled 125 chick magnet was working ok when the air temperature was below 30°C, now it's mid day and running full bore without a comfort-break/roadblock/ceremony for the last 10 minutes Mike is tired. Once the tink-tinks have stopped, it starts again and I can continue. This happens 3 more times and I realize that I only have a clear run home because all the locals know that only a moron would try to ride any distance at this time of the day and stay indoors.

Home safe. Body temperature muffins ready to eat - messy but nice and soft - with body temperature afternoon tea then straight back out to the Honda Maintenance Centre (I think you know what I mean). Anyway, I describe the symptoms "rice left chicken hot (you didn't know I knew that one)", 3 mechanics all jump on and ride away. What the...! Oh, it's ok they came back and point to the engine tutting but the only word I understand is chicken - what the hell are they on about, just do something!   So they do. Panels off, carburettor off, stripped down, parts cleaned, carb reassembled and fitted, engine started, carb tuned, panels back on.  What's the damage, John? 15,000 things. That's about 90p in your money and I leave smiling. Zen? well they probably used 20p's worth of my fuel cleaning the carb so it wasn't that much of a bargain after all.

One week later, back on solid foods, 12p repaid, bike running smoothly and back to normality (our version of normality, obviously).



Friday 8 February 2013

Shock Horror!

Oh dear, it's nearly corn time again. In the months that have passed, Masiti got married, Dewi had a baby, Luna had 3 babies, Coral had 6 babies, Spit had his nuts chopped off, and hordes of people have been & gone from all over the world and we are rather ashamed... Sorry we didn't share any of these or other momentous events since the cornucopia of culinary flops. but worse, we have learnt no new tricks on what to to with the impending crop.

So to avoid the embarassment of not knowing the best way to handle either of these issues, we are chickening out (tee hee) If you really want more stories then please come down the pub next Saturday. No, not in Bali, in Silchester. (smart uh!)

Friday 2 March 2012

Golden Nugggets

This week we received our rent - a large bag of freshly picked corn-on-the-cob straight from our land. Now I can see you are all imagining mouthwatering, bright golden husks of sweet delight....

LUNCH - Corn on the cob
Ingredients:
Freshly picked Corn cobs (2 or 3 per person depending on size of cob and person)
Water
Pinch of Sugar
1 knob of butter per cob
Salt/Pepper to taste

Special Utensils required:
A cooker/hob/gas burner
Large lidded pan

Method:
1) Fill pan with water and bring to boiling point with a pinch of sugar
2) Drop in pallid, rather hard cobs.
3) Replace lid and simmer for a couple of minutes until at least some of them turn golden
4) Remove from pan, insert corn holders (jab end with fork)
5) Serve on a plate.
Note: do not yet smother with the precious butter until tested if edible.
6) Return cobs to pan for a further hour in the hope they will become more tender.

DINNER - Corn & Chicken chowder
Ingredients:
Cooked Corn
Chicken
Jipang
Onions (some big ones & some shallots)
Garlic
Chili
Coconut milk
Seasoning

Special Utensils required:
A cooker/hob/gas burner
Lidded pan

Method:
1) Remove boiled corn kernels from the cob (You can use the ones you've got left over from lunch)
Note: If you use your thumb to do this wait until the cobs are cold or you will get a rather large blister burn.
2) Coarsely chop the onions, garlic, chili and gently sauté in a little oil/butter until golden.
3) Add corn, diced chicken and peeled chunks of jipang
4) Stir in a cupful of water and seasoning to taste (in this instance I used a spoon of Gulai paste but it could have been anything) before covering with a lid to steam the chicken & jipang mixture until tender.
7) Add a cupful of coconut cream, bring back up to heat before serving on a bed of rice
Note: If you are experiencing severe dental problems serve with noodles not rice to make picking out the corn easier or simply omit the corn altogether from recipe.

COFFEE TIME SNACK - POPCORN
Ingredients:
Raw Corn Kernels (you've probably still got a very large bag of cobs in the fridge)
Oil
For dressing Butter, sugar or salt as you prefer

Special Utensils Required:
A cooker/hob/gas burner
Wide, heavy-based lidded pan

Method:
1) Heat a small amount of oil in the pan until it's the right temperature. To test this, toss in a couple of corn kernels replace the lid and wait for the pop. Note: Lift lid carefully, away from you, so the hot corn splatters on the window behind the hob and not on you
2) Throw in the rest of the kernels just enough to make a single layer on the base of the pan.
3) Replace the lid and swirl the pan around so as to coat all the corn in oil before returning to the heat to listen for the pop, pop, splatter bang, pop.......
4) Once they've cooled down, throw away the tiny blackened nuggets, making sure you scrape all the ones off the lid before soaking the pan overnight.


BREAKFAST - CORN FLAKES
Ingredients:
Cooked corn kernels (you may have to make a fresh batch unless you've still got some left over from yesterday's lunch and dinner)

Special Utensils Required:
Rolling pin (yep I have)
Oven (mmmm - tricky) or Frying pan (OK I've got several of those)

Method:
1) Roll out the individual kernels.
2) Sweep the resulting crumbs from the chopping board, you and the floor into the frying pan to dry-toast until they're crispy
3) Offer the result to your husband on a small saucer just to see

Actually the result of this experiment did have some relation to a breakfast cereal, just not cornflakes as we know them. More research on this discover that Mr Kellogg uses a 40 ton rolling pin and 600 degrees C, malted-air blowing, drum oven.

Current experiment: Have plate of raw corn kernels on Sun regulo MK9 (in-between showers) drying out for further attempt at pop-corn.

I think we basically have the wrong corn for anything remotely edible by a human, but as sweet "Mr Smiley" Botak took the trouble to peel and de-beard the lot of them it seems a shame not to try.


OK, Wayan have you made that catapult yet...

Saturday 11 February 2012

It's not funny

So, our Saturday night pre-dinner lime-based drink was starting to take effect when there was a kind of splatty noise near our occasional table (two stacked upside down coca-cola crates).  The wife, who has already been having a bad day as squeezing the limes was extremely painful, hampered due to recently open (unintentional [so she says] self-inflicted) burn-based wound, bravely rattles the crates.  First pass yields nothing. A second, more aggressive thwack produced a further splat. Batty doesn't look too well.  How were we to know their sonar is not capable of detecting a simple ceiling fan.  Now, don't go all green, tree-hugger, save the snail on me, I know bats are protected in the UK but here they eat 'em and tonight is curry night - just need a few more. "Turn the fan up another notch darling, I've got the net ready..."

Sunday 5 February 2012

Techno Fail

My beautiful big sister has discovered a problem with the blog.  My incredibly clever use of some HTML codes don't work for everybody.  So if you nip back to the previous post, the bottom row of text should have had some dotted underlines to show there were some brilliant hidden messages. In fact, I've used this method quite a lot - some of the funniest bits I realise now have been wasted - oh well, never mind.

I promise to be a little less subtle from now on - Yes, yes I know subtle doesn't normally spring to mind about me but Amanda is still teaching me how to be more polite and say the right things and not to fly off the handle every time someone does something crassly stupid.

This is a test of my new method hover here I don't like it as much, maybe on a quiet day I'll look into it some more. Dammit - there I go again and I promised not to...

Wednesday 11 January 2012

Dungeons and Dragons

You are sitting under the shade of a coconut palm watching a snake eat a frog. A stunning blonde sits next to you and proceeds to breastfeed her baby. Believe it or not that's what happened even if it does sound like a 1970s computer game...
West lies a stepping stone path leading to a small hut, South lies an inviting garden path leading to a turtle hatchery, East is a fully equipped dive centre and North is a beautiful sandy beach and the sea. Your knapsack contains a) a stick of chewing gum. b) a book of poetry. What do you do?
[N] [E] [S] [W] [Kiss frog] [Kiss woman] [Kiss snake]